Suicide

Last night, a year ago, was the night I committed suicide. Luckily I failed. At the time I felt so peaceful, just fading away. It felt so right.

A week ago Conrad Newton, the guy who raped me a year ago, asked me out to drink. The fucking nerve. The fucking nerve, that he though he could drug me and rape me again. I have revenge dreams of cutting off his dick and balls and making him eat them. So violent and so sweet. But, I will never do such a thing. I  don't wish to hurt anyone. And, I am going to try this EMDR thingy monday. Maybe it will help the flashbacks I get about Conrad raping me. The fucker. He ruined my life. I will fix it in time.

I am so lucky to have my love of my life support me. I told him about my suicide attempt a year ago, and he still loves me. He didn't run away. I am so so so lucky.

Love and flashbacks

I had no freaken clue how loving and caring and nice my boyfriend is. I feel like a total bitch and dumb fuck for all of the questions/complaints I have had/posted about him. He has valid loving reasons for why he does what he does. He loves sooo many people it's hard for him to balance his time between everyone. He is there when I need him and I will be happy with that. He is still here after all the shit I gave him last week and especially last Friday. He is still here with me and says he doesn't see me any differently. Let's face it, I was a psychotic possessed drunkard who felt like she was being raped all over again. I was so mean to my love. The way I treated him. I was so mean. I am so remorseful and humbled and sorry for what I did to him. I really am. I hope I can show that to him in some way. I really hope I can. He is my world and I am so happy to have my love.

About the flashbacks. I had one last night in a dream. It was awful and I was frightened beyond what this world could imagine. I hope these things go away soon. I really do. Soon I will be trying EMDS. Cross your fingers that Publish Postthis will work. I can't have these things cripple me all the time. They are so frightening and so awful. I am not myself when they occur. Not at all and I am remorseful for how I treat my loved one during them. Please forgive me. Please.

He loves me. He is so much more than I imagined

He loves his family. He loves his friends. He loves me. He is so much more than I ever hoped for. He is so nice and loving. Thank you. Thank you for being mine, my love. Thank you!

Drawings during a flashback

Here are some drawings I made during the middle of my worst flashback ever. They are pretty graphic and disturbing  but it's what I felt. . .

I drank half a bottle of vodka that night, too. And I tried to break up with the love of my life. I told him I wasn't worth his time. I was tempted to take a bunch of motion sickness pills and drink the whole bottle of vodka to escape this world. I still don't know why I didn't. I want to end my life. I was raped twice and assaulted within the last year and a half. I was neglected and molested and abused as a child. My own parents hate me. My adopted parents don't believe me about the rapes. I just a have a few people who are there when I am in desperate need. Otherwise, I feel so alone. So utterly alone. No one visits me just to visit. My love was there to comfort me and to hold me during my last flashback. He was there all night. He helped me through the flashback. But he never comes and visits me anymore, just to visit. Never. He only comes to me when I am in a state of flashback. Why does he never come visit? I feel awful about it. I know he loves me because if he didn't he would have run away a long time ago. But why does he never visit just to visit. He says he loves me and he says he loves being with me and cuddling with me. I feel like his actions sometimes say otherwise...

When I ask my love if he wants to travel with me he says he does. Then I ask to sit down and plan with him but he avoids it. I have given up on trying to go to Thailand. I though a short cruise would be neat. But he's still hesitant and won't say why. I asked if he'd move in with me in July. He says no. But he lives with his ex-girlfriend. WTF?! I ask him out on dates and he says ok, but changes the plan last minute. I ask to go dancing with him but he never wants to, until I am out of town or am too busy to go dancing. WTF. But he's fucking there when I have a flashback. I am so confused by his actions. Why is he there for me during these awful flashbacks but never comes and visits just to be with me? I have to go to him. WTF. If anyone is reading this, please, help me. please.

SO FRUSTRATED

I am thinking of breaking up with Ricky, the one true love of my life... I am so frustrated beyond belief with him now, and I don't know how to communicate my frustration... Here's why I'm frustrated with you, my love, Ricky:

1. You keep photos of you and previous girlfriends kissing on your laptop. I feel like you are still in love with them

2. You don't do small things for me. 

3. You never come visit my place to just come visit. I always invite you and you very rarely come.

4. When I get so lonely I come visit you, it always has to be with your group of friends. It's never you and me alone time. 

5. And WTF?! Why the fuck are you living with your ex-girlfriend?!?!?! FUCK! It makes me so nervous and scared I'll loose you.

6.When I made dates for us, and when you agreed to them, you'd always fucking change them.

7. I feel like all I am to you is a fuck buddy and a cuddle buddy. That's all. Do you really love ME for who I am, or do you love the fucking and the cuddling. 

8. Why do you never come visit me. I always come visit you. 

9. Why don't we ever dance anymore? We used to go dancing all the time. Now you don't want to. I ask you and youre always too busy or too tired. But, WTF, when I'm out of town, you fucking go dancing without me. 

10. Get a goddamn job that makes you happy. Stop fucking being so compliant!! Goddamnit! 

11. You'll fucking live with your ex-girlfriend but you won't fucking live with me?

12. I have some serious issues. I don't think you diserve me. I have felt and still feel sooo love deprived. I yearn for love. I think I need to find a way out of this.

13. We only cuddle and fuck. That's it. I don't feel special at all. Even with your kisses and whatnot. I dont feel special at all.

14. Oh yeah, and you never invite me over to do anything anymore. Thom invited me to climb. You never have. I feel like I'm just in your way and too consuming of your time. I feel like an object. It's god awful. 

That is all folks. Time to decide whether or not we break up... I have no idea. It's our 7 month next week. 

In Love

If you read this, consider yourself lucky. I am telling the world my inner feelings. something that never happens. 

I am in quite the predicament. I just got a job offer in Tulsa for 250k/yr. But I am in love with a man in Boulder who will not move. I am so torn. I need love. I never have had true love. My life has been long and difficult for the past 22 years. 

My love has brought me a breadth of fresh air. I love him with all my heart. I need him. I long for him every day. I want to marry him and be with him for the rest of my life. I want to have a child or two with him and grow a happy loving family. I will be the bread winner. If we have kids, will he be a stay at home dad? If I do that the income will plummet and our life style will be out the door. Ya know I am thinking too much ahead. we aren't even married. when should I talk about such things? I knew the moment I met him I wanted to be with him forever. Does he feel the same? Sometimes I feel like he is dating me just to have someone to love. I dont know if he truely loves me for me. I ask and he says he does but his past patterns say otherwise. He lives with his ex girlfriend. I feel so uncomfortable with it. idk....

What to do? take the 1/4mill/yr and a career or take the love? love is so hard to come by. its the first time ive ever experienced this. I cannot live without.