I reported what happened shortly after my last post. Unintentionally. I told my aunt and uncle (my guardians) that I reported it and they said it was a bad idea. They told me to man up, suck it up, and just get over what happened to me. They said they'd been through worse and I should just forget about it... That's what I've done about my neighbors molesting me as a kid. That's what I did with the abuse my mother and father gave to me as a child. That's what I did with the other rape that happened 6 months before conrad. I just sucked it up and moved on. Well, I am done. I am to my limit of pain. There is only so much I can suck up in life. Only so much. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I feel so helpless and overwhelmed with fear and anxiety and pain and frustration and anger and hopelessness. My boyfriend is trying to reach out, but I feel like I should end our relationship. I am far too unstable to be in a relationship. If I actually do try suicide again I want to be s far away from people as possible. I want it to be less painful to those around me. It really wasn't fair of me to bring my boyfriend into all of my family issues and rape issues and self esteme issues. It was selfish of me to try and love another. I am not to be loved. I am not to be nurtured. I have learned that I am just an object. My whole life, that is the biggest lesson Ive learned. I am for others pleasure and I am never to be happy or love or be my own person. never. I just want to dye. I can only take so much pain. the first 22 years of my life has been constant pain. constant. If it's not one thing, it's another. and. i. can't. take. it. any. more.
I got a revolver for self protection. I don't feel safe at night or walking or driving alone. But ever since I got my revolver, thoughts of using it on myself for the ultimate protection of pain keep plaguing my head. I could give myself protection from pain forever. People say that this is a selfish act. But, I really don't know if I can believe them unless they have been in as much pain with as much consistency as I have. No. Tell me it's selfish once you've been in my shoes. No. You should be telling the people who use and abuse - those who neglect, molest, rape, accuse, abuse, misuse - tell those people that they are being selfish. Everything has already been blamed on the suicidal. It's always there fault yet they have done nothing but take the abuse. It hurts. I didn't ask to be molested as a kid. I didn't ask for my father to get so angry he broke the door to my room. I didn't ask my mother to kick me out of the house and never come back. I didn't call a child gutter white trash. No. I didn't ask to be raped by two different men on two occasions. I didn't ask to be not believed by my family. I was told to keep quiet and hush. Well. you might just get your wish.
