Drawings during a flashback

Here are some drawings I made during the middle of my worst flashback ever. They are pretty graphic and disturbing  but it's what I felt. . .

I drank half a bottle of vodka that night, too. And I tried to break up with the love of my life. I told him I wasn't worth his time. I was tempted to take a bunch of motion sickness pills and drink the whole bottle of vodka to escape this world. I still don't know why I didn't. I want to end my life. I was raped twice and assaulted within the last year and a half. I was neglected and molested and abused as a child. My own parents hate me. My adopted parents don't believe me about the rapes. I just a have a few people who are there when I am in desperate need. Otherwise, I feel so alone. So utterly alone. No one visits me just to visit. My love was there to comfort me and to hold me during my last flashback. He was there all night. He helped me through the flashback. But he never comes and visits me anymore, just to visit. Never. He only comes to me when I am in a state of flashback. Why does he never come visit? I feel awful about it. I know he loves me because if he didn't he would have run away a long time ago. But why does he never visit just to visit. He says he loves me and he says he loves being with me and cuddling with me. I feel like his actions sometimes say otherwise...

When I ask my love if he wants to travel with me he says he does. Then I ask to sit down and plan with him but he avoids it. I have given up on trying to go to Thailand. I though a short cruise would be neat. But he's still hesitant and won't say why. I asked if he'd move in with me in July. He says no. But he lives with his ex-girlfriend. WTF?! I ask him out on dates and he says ok, but changes the plan last minute. I ask to go dancing with him but he never wants to, until I am out of town or am too busy to go dancing. WTF. But he's fucking there when I have a flashback. I am so confused by his actions. Why is he there for me during these awful flashbacks but never comes and visits just to be with me? I have to go to him. WTF. If anyone is reading this, please, help me. please.